My Testimony.

Growing up in a Christian home, I was always considered a Christian.
As I stated in my other post, I always just knew, I always just believed.
I believed because that's what I was taught.

If a child is constantly taught that a banana is the color blue, then as they grow up they will really believe that bananas are not yellow, they are blue. Even if the whole world is against him, he will still tell you that bananas are blue.

We all know that bananas are not blue. How? Well, we were all taught our colors at a very young age. Everybody knows a banana is pale yellow, because that's what our parents/teachers taught us. Correct?

Well my parents taught me that God made me and all things for His own glory. God is a Spirit and has not a body like man. God sent His Son to earth to become a perfect, sinless man, to pay the cost of sin through death. Jesus, God's Son, but also even God Himself, died on the cross for our sins. Jesus came back from the dead, three days after He was killed.

Now, I was taught that, and so I believed that.
But I guess I never really took any of that to heart, I never really thought hard about any of that.
I just knew it to all be true because that's what my mom and dad always said.

I was a typical child at church. You know, coloring to stay awake, or even falling asleep, during worship service. I never paid any attention to the preaching of the Word up until I was about 18. It was all just boring lectures, to me. It was a time for me to drift off and daydream for an hour. I never liked going to church, I always tried to get out of it. Faking sick a lot. The only fun part of church was youth group. When our youth group was large and awesome, at our first church. The church I grew up in.

And then I just slowly became this horrible, horrible person. Inwardly, and outwardly. Talking back to my parents, being hateful to my siblings, cheating on tests, lying about almost everything, stealing, gossiping, cursing, and just being all out mean and terrible. I wasn't a good Christian. In fact, the only reason anyone would even consider me a Christian, was because of who my parents were.

Around the time I was 17 or 18, I met this pretty amazing Christian couple. A man and his wife. And they really helped me more than they know, to become closer with God. For the amount of time that I was together with them, I wanted to go to church, I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to be in a relationship with Christ, I wanted to be forgiven, I wanted to be clean, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted all of these things. Because of this couple, I started paying attention in church, and learning, and taking notes so I could catch up with them and discuss things with them, and have them teach me. I loved it. I loved everything about that experience.

I was okay then. I was beginning to be okay. Until..
That couple had to move.

I said to myself, that it would be okay, I'll still work on my relationship with Christ, things will be fine.

Well, that didn't happen.
I started backsliding soon after they were gone.
I never picked up my Bible except on Sundays, I never prayed, or listened to a prayer, unless it was a short little "God, keep us safe on the way...". I started to go back to the person I was, mean, and disrespectful, and lazy, and cursing, and just all of these sinful things.

Up until just recently, and by "just recently", I literally mean just recently. As in, the very beginning of this year. And it's only the 13th of January. In 13 days, God has healed me, and forgiven me all of my sins, and has opened the eyes of my heart. I have never felt this way before. In my whole life. Where I don't "just know it's true because that's what I was taught.", I believe it all with my whole heart and I don't doubt a single bit of it.

I've started reading my Bible, and it really feels like the first time I've ever read it. Like, when I read, it feels like in my heart, that I'm reading/hearing these words for the first time. Like I was born again. And I'm new to all of this. And when I read, the words don't just sit on my tongue like they used to. They're going up to my mind, and then sinking down to my heart. All I want to do now, revolves around God. Not wanting to listen to any music that isn't categorized at Christian/Worship music. Not wanting to read anything that's not His Word or something based on it. And I've been praying, actual prayers. I have a Prayer Journal, because it's hard for me to talk a lot of the times. When I can't talk, I write. God knows what's in my heart before I do.

I never cared about my body. I actually always hated it. I was too fat, I wasn't good enough, I was ugly. I was. No one could tell me otherwise. So, I treated myself as such. I was a victim of Self-Harm from age 10 to age 21. I'm 21 now, yes, but I haven't Self-Harmed since October.And when I was younger, I didn't quite understand what I was doing. I realized just a few years ago, that I was Self-Harming without even realizing I was doing so. I just knew that I was feeling too much pain inside, that I couldn't manage, and when I got hurt, physically, it was much more manageable. I could fix that pain. I felt good when I fixed a pain, and made it better. The pain I felt on the outside had to be bigger than the pain I felt on the inside. It never was though. It never really helped.

It actually made it much worse.

I was trying to fix the pain myself, that only God could fix.
I wasn't allowing Him to heal me. Even though sometimes, I would just beg for relief, I would cry, and beg for a way out. A way to escape all of this pain and hurt I was feeling.

It never really ..clicked, until December 2012.

It's God.
I'm God's child.
I'm God's creation.
God is the only One that can give and take away.
He gave me this body, and this life for a purpose, a reason.
I'm not worthless.
He doesn't put anything in my life that I can't handle.
I thought "I can't take all of this, it's too much"
It's not too much.
It's just enough.
I was pushed far enough until I found Him.
I saw Him, I glanced in that direction, and then turned away.
And suddenly, Jesus came for me.
He found me.
And it's like He grabbed onto my shoulders, and physically turned me around.
I was walking on the wrong path my entire life, without really knowing it.
(Since I grew up in a Christian home and all.
I grew up in the church.)
He turned me around, and I saw the Light at the end of the path.
And it was like, I was finally alive.
My whole life, I wasn't even alive.
I was walking on the wrong path, completely dead.
I was dead and walking straight into more death.
God saved me.


One does not find God.
I thought I knew God.
I was like a blind man in an art gallery.
I knew beauty was right in front of me,because  someone told me it was, but I, personally, couldn't see it.
I was dead, now I'm alive.
I was blind, now I see.

I am a walking miracle.
And no one would really know, without reading this.
Because I have always gone to church.
I have always been considered a Christian.

Out of all of the people ever created ever in all of the history of the whole world, there is absolutely no one that knows your heart. But guess what, God does.

God knows your thoughts before you think them.
He knows your words before you say them.
He knows what you're going to do before you do it.
He knows the exact number of strands on hair you have on your head.
He knows the exact number of tears you've ever cried.
He is the only one that can heal your pain.
He is the only one that can erase your sin, as if you were sinless.
God is all knowing.
God is all powerful.
God is all loving.

If you want true freedom, seek Jesus.
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the Living Water, and the Everlasting Salvation.

God is willing.
Are you?