I got a full time job now.
I started today.
So instead of waking up at 8:00 every morning to get ready for my day.
I now have to wake up around 6:15am, and be at work by 8:30.
It's still the same workplace, but I have my very own class of kiddies.
We're called the Tigers.
We rock, ya know.
You know who else rocks?
This band- www.chadwesley.com
"Karianne, you mention that band and your cousin way too much, it's really starting to get a little annoying."
Well, I am very proud of this band, and my cousin.
I can't help but mention them a lot.
They're a great band, and even greater people.
Very talented, very friendly, and very smart.
They're all so hilarious and so fun to be around.
If you've gotten to know, and work with, them like I have, you'd understand.
Anyway.
Tomorrow is the last day of January, and the last day for me to be on the computer, call or text people, and watch the television.
I'm going to be doing a lot of productive things in February, and hopefully by March, I'll look a bit different.
I can't really tell you the things I'll be doing, but just rest assured it's all healthy, and I'll be just fine.
And hopefully my mind and heart will become much more healthier without all of these constant reminders.
I need a break, more than anything, from certain people, and certain pictures.
My radio broke.
So, now I don't really have a music source.
I was going to at least have some music available.
Since I cannot live in complete silence.
It's a fear.
But I may use a DVD player as a music source.
That may work.
Or if I have enough money, I may be able to buy a new radio.
Either way, I think I'll be able to manage.
Anyway.
I'm getting off now.
I have to start going to bed an hour earlier, since I have to wake up earlier.
D: erg.
Oh well, income is income :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
February - the month of fasting.
This is the last Sunday I will be on the computer until March 5th.
I'll be draining my battery this Tuesday night, and then packing it away for a whole month. And the same with my phone, and I'll have my sister hide the television remote from me. No TV, computer, or cell phone for an entire month. Do you think you could do that? I bet you could. You should try it some time. If not a whole month, then a whole week. Technology vacation. It'll give you time to focus of the things that really matter in life. God, your spouse, your children, yourself. Step away from all of the glass/plastic screens and look at the world through your own two eyes.
Also, with my Unplugged month, I'll be saving my money, and going on juice diets. Regardless of my acid reflux. I'll just eat more Tums or something. Two of the five weeks in February will be spent with me just drinking Bolthouse Farms juices and water, and maybe some soup every now and then.
I'll be doing a lot of reading, so if you have any suggestions of what book(s) I should read, I'll be able to go to the library, let me know before Tuesday night.
I made a plan. So now I have a plan.
That's usually what happens when you make plans.
I will still be able to use my camera in February, but I will not be able to upload them onto a computer. So what I'm going to do is take a picture of myself every day, thumbs up if I had a good day, thumbs down if I had a bad day. And then on March 1st, when I "plug" everything back up, I'll upload all of those pictures to Facebook.
Speaking of March 1st, it's Ke$ha's birthday. It's also Justin Bieber's birthday. But most importantly, it's Self-Injury Awareness Day. And for Self-Injury Awareness Day, to show support, for the people suffering or recovering from self-harm, you wear an orange ribbon. If you don't have/can't find an orange ribbon, you can just wear anything orange. With the ribbon, people will/can ask what it's for. But with you just wearing orange, I doubt anyone would ask. But you can show support in silence. As long as you're thinking about and praying for those suffering or recovering from self-harm. They need your prayers and support to get better as much as they need your love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury_Awareness_Day
Show support, you have at least one person to think about/pray for on that day. Me.
I'll be draining my battery this Tuesday night, and then packing it away for a whole month. And the same with my phone, and I'll have my sister hide the television remote from me. No TV, computer, or cell phone for an entire month. Do you think you could do that? I bet you could. You should try it some time. If not a whole month, then a whole week. Technology vacation. It'll give you time to focus of the things that really matter in life. God, your spouse, your children, yourself. Step away from all of the glass/plastic screens and look at the world through your own two eyes.
Also, with my Unplugged month, I'll be saving my money, and going on juice diets. Regardless of my acid reflux. I'll just eat more Tums or something. Two of the five weeks in February will be spent with me just drinking Bolthouse Farms juices and water, and maybe some soup every now and then.
I'll be doing a lot of reading, so if you have any suggestions of what book(s) I should read, I'll be able to go to the library, let me know before Tuesday night.
I made a plan. So now I have a plan.
That's usually what happens when you make plans.
I will still be able to use my camera in February, but I will not be able to upload them onto a computer. So what I'm going to do is take a picture of myself every day, thumbs up if I had a good day, thumbs down if I had a bad day. And then on March 1st, when I "plug" everything back up, I'll upload all of those pictures to Facebook.
Speaking of March 1st, it's Ke$ha's birthday. It's also Justin Bieber's birthday. But most importantly, it's Self-Injury Awareness Day. And for Self-Injury Awareness Day, to show support, for the people suffering or recovering from self-harm, you wear an orange ribbon. If you don't have/can't find an orange ribbon, you can just wear anything orange. With the ribbon, people will/can ask what it's for. But with you just wearing orange, I doubt anyone would ask. But you can show support in silence. As long as you're thinking about and praying for those suffering or recovering from self-harm. They need your prayers and support to get better as much as they need your love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-injury_Awareness_Day
Show support, you have at least one person to think about/pray for on that day. Me.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Bar, Chad Wesley Band, Ow, my eardrums.
Let me start off by saying what I've been saying for a while now - I have such amazing cousins.
Chad and Eric Henderson are the bomb.com.
Secondly, my first time at a bar was.....well, it just was. Drunk relatives are okay to deal with, because I mean, they're family. But drunk strangers are loud and obnoxious. You have no idea how many people I wanted to just slap last night. Since I don't like alcohol and random drunk people annoy me, I don't really see bar visits in my future. Unless Chad Wesley Band is playing there. Otherwise I think I'll stick with being "lame", and just pass the bar scene all together.
My first actual 'show' was just wonderful. And to add to that wonderfulness, the band playing at my first show happened to be one of my favorite not quite famous yet bands. Well, technically, I've seen Chad Wesley Band live twice... Well, technically only once. Because the very first time the band was called 'Chad Wesley and Jacktown'. But the first two times I've heard Chad and his band play, I admit, I was not paying any attention at all to the music. So last night was my first time.. listening to Chad play/sing, I saw him play in September at the Wing Dang Doodle in Forest, MS. But then, I was focusing solely on taking pictures of the band, so I didn't really listen to them.
Ow, my eardrums.
Steve Smith, drummer of Chad Wesley Band, is hilarious. I'm so glad I got to see this side of him. He is so talented at playing the drums, and he's also a pretty great dancer. He had me laughing until my gut hurt. So great.
Guys, I've smiled more last night than I have in a seriously long time.
Dear people who were there and saw me,
I'm a pretty shy and awkward person when I'm surround by a bunch of people I don't know, and especially in a place I've never been. I was having a great time, even if I didn't really look like it. Just clearing that up for you people telling me I should lighten up and have a good time. -coughstupiddrunkscough- I had a great time. And I was light, I was light. Just an awkward turtle.. that's all.
OH.
Finally, officially, met and talked to Brandi, Chad's wife. She's pretty cool. I like her. :)
So, okay, I get that being drunk makes you happy and all that jazz, but it also makes you obnoxious as crap. There was this married couple, drunk as can be, and they were right in front of me. And the guy was acting a fool, dancing. I laughed at him, because it was funny, it literally made me chuckle. I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny, but he was. I couldn't help laughing. So anyway, he turns around and sees me laughing and goes "Hey, she's laughing at me! She's laughing at me, she thinks my dancing is funny!" and his wife turns around, looks at me, and shows me the ring on her finger. And Starts yelling, "He's mine sweetheart, he is mine, stop looking at him, honey, he is my man." And her husband, was like, "Yeah, guurrl, I am a married man, I don't want you, guurrll, I got me a woman, I am married." ........-slowblink- Silly drunk people. According to this drunk married couple, my laughing at the dude's dancing means "ohhay, I want you so bad". :l no thanks, yall, I'll pass.
But guys, I am so hungry. Food must be found so I can stuff my face.
DOUBLE OH ONE MORE TIME. I also officially met Eric's girl, Kattie. She's pretty amazing, yep. I like her. :)
Such an amazing way to end the first month of the new year. Seriously great.
January 2012 has been so wonderful. So. Wonderful. Getting closer with Chad, and Eric. Meeting new people, doing new things, seeing new sights, having a good time, losing ten pounds.
February will be great too. Because I wont have my phone and laptop on me, or even on, for that matter, I'll be forced to do other things in my spare time. No tv, computer, or cell phone for 29 days. I'll be forced to entertain myself in ways I've never been quite interested in doing. I'm ready -war face-.
I am pretty hungry.
Chad and Eric Henderson are the bomb.com.
Secondly, my first time at a bar was.....well, it just was. Drunk relatives are okay to deal with, because I mean, they're family. But drunk strangers are loud and obnoxious. You have no idea how many people I wanted to just slap last night. Since I don't like alcohol and random drunk people annoy me, I don't really see bar visits in my future. Unless Chad Wesley Band is playing there. Otherwise I think I'll stick with being "lame", and just pass the bar scene all together.
My first actual 'show' was just wonderful. And to add to that wonderfulness, the band playing at my first show happened to be one of my favorite not quite famous yet bands. Well, technically, I've seen Chad Wesley Band live twice... Well, technically only once. Because the very first time the band was called 'Chad Wesley and Jacktown'. But the first two times I've heard Chad and his band play, I admit, I was not paying any attention at all to the music. So last night was my first time.. listening to Chad play/sing, I saw him play in September at the Wing Dang Doodle in Forest, MS. But then, I was focusing solely on taking pictures of the band, so I didn't really listen to them.
Ow, my eardrums.
Steve Smith, drummer of Chad Wesley Band, is hilarious. I'm so glad I got to see this side of him. He is so talented at playing the drums, and he's also a pretty great dancer. He had me laughing until my gut hurt. So great.
Guys, I've smiled more last night than I have in a seriously long time.
Dear people who were there and saw me,
I'm a pretty shy and awkward person when I'm surround by a bunch of people I don't know, and especially in a place I've never been. I was having a great time, even if I didn't really look like it. Just clearing that up for you people telling me I should lighten up and have a good time. -coughstupiddrunkscough- I had a great time. And I was light, I was light. Just an awkward turtle.. that's all.
OH.
Finally, officially, met and talked to Brandi, Chad's wife. She's pretty cool. I like her. :)
So, okay, I get that being drunk makes you happy and all that jazz, but it also makes you obnoxious as crap. There was this married couple, drunk as can be, and they were right in front of me. And the guy was acting a fool, dancing. I laughed at him, because it was funny, it literally made me chuckle. I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny, but he was. I couldn't help laughing. So anyway, he turns around and sees me laughing and goes "Hey, she's laughing at me! She's laughing at me, she thinks my dancing is funny!" and his wife turns around, looks at me, and shows me the ring on her finger. And Starts yelling, "He's mine sweetheart, he is mine, stop looking at him, honey, he is my man." And her husband, was like, "Yeah, guurrl, I am a married man, I don't want you, guurrll, I got me a woman, I am married." ........-slowblink- Silly drunk people. According to this drunk married couple, my laughing at the dude's dancing means "ohhay, I want you so bad". :l no thanks, yall, I'll pass.
But guys, I am so hungry. Food must be found so I can stuff my face.
DOUBLE OH ONE MORE TIME. I also officially met Eric's girl, Kattie. She's pretty amazing, yep. I like her. :)
Such an amazing way to end the first month of the new year. Seriously great.
January 2012 has been so wonderful. So. Wonderful. Getting closer with Chad, and Eric. Meeting new people, doing new things, seeing new sights, having a good time, losing ten pounds.
February will be great too. Because I wont have my phone and laptop on me, or even on, for that matter, I'll be forced to do other things in my spare time. No tv, computer, or cell phone for 29 days. I'll be forced to entertain myself in ways I've never been quite interested in doing. I'm ready -war face-.
I am pretty hungry.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Links and things.
Here's a look at what I look at every day when I'm on the computer.
www.facebook.com
www.chadwesley.com
www.facebook.com/k.chell.photography
www.facebook.com/chadwesley
www.dailybooth.com
yourekillingmesmalls21.blogspot.com
www.isohunt.com
www.picnik.com
8tracks.com
Pretty lame.
But it's what I do.
www.facebook.com
www.chadwesley.com
www.facebook.com/k.chell.photography
www.facebook.com/chadwesley
www.dailybooth.com
yourekillingmesmalls21.blogspot.com
www.isohunt.com
www.picnik.com
8tracks.com
Pretty lame.
But it's what I do.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Writer's block e.e
Everything's been going good. Besides the things that haven't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I look around,
At things I've never seen,
I stare with such amazement.
At the places I've never been.
The tall, old buildings,
To the newly paved street.
Uhm.
......
Okay, I'm stuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I look around,
At things I've never seen,
I stare with such amazement.
At the places I've never been.
The tall, old buildings,
To the newly paved street.
Uhm.
......
Okay, I'm stuck.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
If you aim to lose weight, you'll just end up losing your mind instead.
I keep hearing people around me say "I need to lose weight, so I'm going to cut out this, and this, this, this, and this." And it makes me just want to ring their necks.
It's not about depriving yourself that makes you lose weight, because eventually you're going to slip, and you're going to eat what you're cutting out. Then you're going to slip again, and again, and before you know it, you've gained 10 pounds. You don't have to deprive yourself from the food you love. It's all about portion size.
You can continue to eat the way you're eating, you don't have to cut anything out. But what you DO need to do is bring something in. You need to eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water. You need about 9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. 9 servings a day. It's not that hard.
"But junk food is a lot cheaper than healthy food."
Although that may be true, if you really want to lose weight like you say you do, you'd buy the healthy food instead of the junk food. You can replace the bag of chips, to a healthier bag of chips, or a bag/box of dried fruit, or a bowl of edamame, or blueberries, or mixed fruit, or a banana and apple with peanut butter.
Replace that soda for a glass of tea, or water, or Crystal Light, or what I suggested a few weeks ago- a few frozen berries in your bottle of water.
Replace your white rice with brown rice, your white bread with whole wheat, your pasta to whole wheat.
Try to cut out fast food to only once or twice a week. You can make your own burgers or pizza at home, make it a family thing. Have the kids help out and make a pizza, with a bunch of vegetables on it, and then sit around the table and play games together.
The more healthy stuff you eat, the less you crave the unhealthy. Trust me on this, you guys. I know what I'm talking about.
And if "exercising isn't fun" - which I know, it really isn't. There are other ways to get in your cardio.
Dance. "I can't dance." What a stupid excuse. You don't need to "know" how to dance, you just need to move your body! Instead of sitting on your tush while you're watching television at home, you could stand up and walk in place, or jump up and down - pretend you're jumping rope, do squats, stretch. Every time there's a commercial, rest and drink some water. Or, vice versa, whenever there's a commercial do your exercises/stretches, and rest during the show. Instead of walking to your car, dance to it! Instead of just standing there cooking, dance cook! When you wake up in the morning stretch your whole body, then dance your way to the bathroom. Hold a dance off once a week with your family. Be ridiculous! What's the worse that can happen? You'll feel embarrassed or think you look insane? Then just laugh at yourself! Laughing helps almost everything. Try laughing right now. Do it. Laugh. What did you feel, in your body, moving when you just chuckled there? I felt my abs have a mini work out.
So see, it doesn't really matter what you cut out, only what you put it.
The more happy and healthy you put into life, the more you'll get out of it.
Aim for healthy, and you'll lose the weight you want.
If you aim to lose weight, you'll just end up losing your mind instead.
It's not about depriving yourself that makes you lose weight, because eventually you're going to slip, and you're going to eat what you're cutting out. Then you're going to slip again, and again, and before you know it, you've gained 10 pounds. You don't have to deprive yourself from the food you love. It's all about portion size.
You can continue to eat the way you're eating, you don't have to cut anything out. But what you DO need to do is bring something in. You need to eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water. You need about 9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. 9 servings a day. It's not that hard.
"But junk food is a lot cheaper than healthy food."
Although that may be true, if you really want to lose weight like you say you do, you'd buy the healthy food instead of the junk food. You can replace the bag of chips, to a healthier bag of chips, or a bag/box of dried fruit, or a bowl of edamame, or blueberries, or mixed fruit, or a banana and apple with peanut butter.
Replace that soda for a glass of tea, or water, or Crystal Light, or what I suggested a few weeks ago- a few frozen berries in your bottle of water.
Replace your white rice with brown rice, your white bread with whole wheat, your pasta to whole wheat.
Try to cut out fast food to only once or twice a week. You can make your own burgers or pizza at home, make it a family thing. Have the kids help out and make a pizza, with a bunch of vegetables on it, and then sit around the table and play games together.
The more healthy stuff you eat, the less you crave the unhealthy. Trust me on this, you guys. I know what I'm talking about.
And if "exercising isn't fun" - which I know, it really isn't. There are other ways to get in your cardio.
Dance. "I can't dance." What a stupid excuse. You don't need to "know" how to dance, you just need to move your body! Instead of sitting on your tush while you're watching television at home, you could stand up and walk in place, or jump up and down - pretend you're jumping rope, do squats, stretch. Every time there's a commercial, rest and drink some water. Or, vice versa, whenever there's a commercial do your exercises/stretches, and rest during the show. Instead of walking to your car, dance to it! Instead of just standing there cooking, dance cook! When you wake up in the morning stretch your whole body, then dance your way to the bathroom. Hold a dance off once a week with your family. Be ridiculous! What's the worse that can happen? You'll feel embarrassed or think you look insane? Then just laugh at yourself! Laughing helps almost everything. Try laughing right now. Do it. Laugh. What did you feel, in your body, moving when you just chuckled there? I felt my abs have a mini work out.
So see, it doesn't really matter what you cut out, only what you put it.
The more happy and healthy you put into life, the more you'll get out of it.
Aim for healthy, and you'll lose the weight you want.
If you aim to lose weight, you'll just end up losing your mind instead.
Monday, January 23, 2012
When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.
Every time I watch Hoarders, it makes me want to clean my room. But every time I'm not watching it, I don't feel like cleaning. So I watch Hoarders about 5% of the time in my life. So, I rarely want to clean my room.
I'm watching Hoarders now, but I'm not cleaning. I'm blogging.
I know, I'm so cool.
----------------
So, I was wondering, do you really know who I am, what I am, or where I am? Could you look at me and know my story? Could you look at my face and tell how I'm feeling? Could you surprise me with something that I love? Do you know what I love? Who I love? What I like to do? Where I like to go? What exactly do you know about me?
----------------
People always assume they know me, or assume they know what I'm thinking, or assume they know what I'm feeling. But most of those people who assume things about me, hardly know me at all. Think before you speak, and if what you think is going to be an assumption, think longer. If you don't know, don't say. If you want to know, ask. You can't tell me who I am or what I'm not. Only I and God know who I am. Knowing and understanding are two different things. You may know what happened, but you can't tell me you understand what I went through. Even if you went through the same thing, we all feel pain differently.
I'm watching Hoarders now, but I'm not cleaning. I'm blogging.
I know, I'm so cool.
----------------
So, I was wondering, do you really know who I am, what I am, or where I am? Could you look at me and know my story? Could you look at my face and tell how I'm feeling? Could you surprise me with something that I love? Do you know what I love? Who I love? What I like to do? Where I like to go? What exactly do you know about me?
----------------
People always assume they know me, or assume they know what I'm thinking, or assume they know what I'm feeling. But most of those people who assume things about me, hardly know me at all. Think before you speak, and if what you think is going to be an assumption, think longer. If you don't know, don't say. If you want to know, ask. You can't tell me who I am or what I'm not. Only I and God know who I am. Knowing and understanding are two different things. You may know what happened, but you can't tell me you understand what I went through. Even if you went through the same thing, we all feel pain differently.
What I learned this weekend.
The members of Chad Wesley Band are great people.
there are some people in the world that have told me what kind of person Chad is.
And what they say is the complete opposite of what I have gotten to know.
"Well I'm glad you see who I really am. I'm perceived by man negatively that way. Only because people don't typically know how to deal with an individual such as myself that puts as much value on themselves as I do. But what they don't see is that I try to put the same amount of value into everyone I encounter. Why would I deserve to be high up on a thrown if I'm not lifting everyone up with me? I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders. Some people can't even handle the weight of one person/thing on theirs. The world is a judgmental place. Only because insecurity is the seed from which judgement grows." -CWH
"insecurity is the seed from which judgement grows"
I agree.
I agree with a lot, if not all, of what he said.
He's so wise. And I look up to him. He's such an inspiration to be great.
And I admire his strength and talent.
I was told he was a big-headed, self-centered musician.
But he's not.
Not at all.
He's very grown up, considerate, caring, funny, smart young man.
I am very, very happy I've gotten to know and work with him.
It has been such a privilege.
I now have a new second favorite cousin!
:p
www.chadwesley.com
www.facebook.com/chadwesley
www.facebook.com/K.Chell.Photography
Friday, January 20, 2012
I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!
I'm a happy girl.
I'm a really happy girl.
Really, really, really!
I got a laptop today!
My sister's old one, it was in the shop for a while.
They were just waiting for a hard-drive.
And they got one, so I got this!
Yay!
I got paid today, so I was able to buy food!
And I'm in such a better and brighter mood when I have food!
Yay!
I get to videochat with my best friend tonight!
I'm so excited for that.
Mega excited.
I can't wait to see his face!
I haven't seen him or heard his British voice in such a long time.
Yay!
I got super excited about seeing Chad again and taking pictures of his band.
Tomorrow evening!
And he's bringing a spot light!
A SPOT LIGHT!
I'm not sure why the spot light is making me so excited.
But it is!
Yay!
I'm having a really good hair day, too.
To top this great day off.
Such happiness right now.
I can't hide it.
I can't.
I'm so giggly and out of control.
I'm just SO HAPPY right now!!
I'm a really happy girl.
Really, really, really!
I got a laptop today!
My sister's old one, it was in the shop for a while.
They were just waiting for a hard-drive.
And they got one, so I got this!
Yay!
I got paid today, so I was able to buy food!
And I'm in such a better and brighter mood when I have food!
Yay!
I get to videochat with my best friend tonight!
I'm so excited for that.
Mega excited.
I can't wait to see his face!
I haven't seen him or heard his British voice in such a long time.
Yay!
I got super excited about seeing Chad again and taking pictures of his band.
Tomorrow evening!
And he's bringing a spot light!
A SPOT LIGHT!
I'm not sure why the spot light is making me so excited.
But it is!
Yay!
I'm having a really good hair day, too.
To top this great day off.
Such happiness right now.
I can't hide it.
I can't.
I'm so giggly and out of control.
I'm just SO HAPPY right now!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Vent.
Feeling very discouraged today.
Yesterday, too.
Not sure why I feel so terrible.
But I do.
Tuesday and today, Wednesday, have just been horrible.
I mean, there have been some high points.
But mainly it's just been me feeling terrible.
Couldn't sleep Monday night.
Couldn't sleep Tuesday night without taking medicine.
Have had to force myself to eat off my diet plan to actually eat.
Been getting random acid reflux attacks.
The kids weren't listening to me.
Having to ask if people would buy stuff for me.
I don't know if all of this stress is coming from me not having money this week, or what.
But it's making me really frustrated that I'm gaining weight instead of losing.
I want to work out, because I still want this healthy lifestyle I'm working on.
But I don't feel like working out.
I don't even feel like moving or talking.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
But I don't like it.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I'm hoping I can sleep tonight with no problem.
Or medicine.
Can't eat.
Can't sleep.
Drinking water gives me heart burn.
Don't feel like moving.
Feeling like no one is listening to me.
My stomach hurts.
hjoiylyighudkfhutgrdivhiybhjiljihg
jiwyhiroueohkh johjhjikjykm
Maybe I am having withdraws from fruits and vegetables.
Because when I've been eating them all day everyday,
I never felt like this.
:\
:(
Yesterday, too.
Not sure why I feel so terrible.
But I do.
Tuesday and today, Wednesday, have just been horrible.
I mean, there have been some high points.
But mainly it's just been me feeling terrible.
Couldn't sleep Monday night.
Couldn't sleep Tuesday night without taking medicine.
Have had to force myself to eat off my diet plan to actually eat.
Been getting random acid reflux attacks.
The kids weren't listening to me.
Having to ask if people would buy stuff for me.
I don't know if all of this stress is coming from me not having money this week, or what.
But it's making me really frustrated that I'm gaining weight instead of losing.
I want to work out, because I still want this healthy lifestyle I'm working on.
But I don't feel like working out.
I don't even feel like moving or talking.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
But I don't like it.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I'm hoping I can sleep tonight with no problem.
Or medicine.
Can't eat.
Can't sleep.
Drinking water gives me heart burn.
Don't feel like moving.
Feeling like no one is listening to me.
My stomach hurts.
hjoiylyighudkfhutgrdivhiybhjiljihg
jiwyhiroueohkh johjhjikjykm
Maybe I am having withdraws from fruits and vegetables.
Because when I've been eating them all day everyday,
I never felt like this.
:\
:(
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
All I need is God, anyway.
Who I was when I was growing up, is not who I am now.
It's like my eyes were closed, like I was blind to the truth, all my life.
I realize now, and I know what I really want and need.
From a guy.
That's what I said.
A boyfriend? Husband?
See, I was never allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16.
I never got a boyfriend until I was 18.
And all of the boyfriends I've had after that were all long distance/internetical, except for two.
And I can say now, every single boyfriend I had were all me trying to fill a hole in my life. (I realized this year that could only be filled by Christ.) I never loved any of these boys. I thought I did. But now looking back, I can't remember all of their names, or how old I was when we dated, or how long we knew each other, or why I even liked them in the first place. Most of them I never even cried over. All but three cheated on me.
I never loved myself, so I needed someone to love me. I needed a boyfriend. I needed to feel beautiful enough. I needed to have someone tell me they love me.
I needed a boyfriend.
And it could have been anyone as long as they said "You're beautiful" and "I love you".
But now, it's completely different.
I now realize that none of those relationships ever worked out for one reason.
It wasn't because of them, it wasn't because of me.
It was that the Lord wanted me to learn how to be alone.
And that's what I'm doing now.
I'm learning to be alone, and to not "need a boyfriend".
Instead of just anyone who says "you're beautiful" and "I love you"
Here's what I want;
-A guy who is in a deep, intimate relationship with Christ.
-A guy who puts God first, others second, and himself last.
-A guy who treats everybody the way he would want to be treated.
-A guy who knows that his body is a gift from God, and takes care of it as such.
-A guy who considers work a privilege.
I pray that the Lord will send me a man like that, but if it not be His will for me to have a husband, I pray that He help me be content with being alone. All I need is God, anyway.
It's like my eyes were closed, like I was blind to the truth, all my life.
I realize now, and I know what I really want and need.
From a guy.
That's what I said.
A boyfriend? Husband?
See, I was never allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16.
I never got a boyfriend until I was 18.
And all of the boyfriends I've had after that were all long distance/internetical, except for two.
And I can say now, every single boyfriend I had were all me trying to fill a hole in my life. (I realized this year that could only be filled by Christ.) I never loved any of these boys. I thought I did. But now looking back, I can't remember all of their names, or how old I was when we dated, or how long we knew each other, or why I even liked them in the first place. Most of them I never even cried over. All but three cheated on me.
I never loved myself, so I needed someone to love me. I needed a boyfriend. I needed to feel beautiful enough. I needed to have someone tell me they love me.
I needed a boyfriend.
And it could have been anyone as long as they said "You're beautiful" and "I love you".
But now, it's completely different.
I now realize that none of those relationships ever worked out for one reason.
It wasn't because of them, it wasn't because of me.
It was that the Lord wanted me to learn how to be alone.
And that's what I'm doing now.
I'm learning to be alone, and to not "need a boyfriend".
Instead of just anyone who says "you're beautiful" and "I love you"
Here's what I want;
-A guy who is in a deep, intimate relationship with Christ.
-A guy who puts God first, others second, and himself last.
-A guy who treats everybody the way he would want to be treated.
-A guy who knows that his body is a gift from God, and takes care of it as such.
-A guy who considers work a privilege.
I pray that the Lord will send me a man like that, but if it not be His will for me to have a husband, I pray that He help me be content with being alone. All I need is God, anyway.
Numbers, numbers, why do you exist?
So, I haven't weighed myself in a week. My new scale arrived today, and I weighed myself on it. I'm 7 pounds heavier on this new scale than I was on the old one at home. Could I have gained 7 pounds in 7 days?! Nothing much in my diet has changed. Well, except Wednesday or Thursday when I scoffed down that cheesecake. D:
I know scales are different and all.
But the thing is, I weigh heavier on the scale I'm going to be using from now on.
I don't really know what to do now.
But I think I'm going to wait, and weigh tomorrow morning on the old scale, and then on the new, and the find the difference, and if it's not too big of a difference, I'll just use the number on my new scale, since it's going to be the one I'll be using from now on.
--------
This juice I'm drinking gave me acid reflux again, and it's making it really hard for me to eat my plate of spinach. -sigh-
Also, I am running on only an hour of sleep. For some reason, I could not fall asleep last night. I would lie down, close my eyes, be still, and dream, but I wasn't asleep. I could still hear the music playing and everything. I just could not fall asleep for anything. But it I finally did, it was around 4:50am, and I had to get up at 5:50am to get ready for work. Yay early days.
So now, I'm tired, and in pain from my acid reflux.
-------
As far as counting goes;
Only 14 days left of television, internet, and my cell phone until March 1st.
I have not Self-Harmed in 88 days.
I have not had a soda in 17 days.
-------
When I finally went to sleep, I had a dream that my aunt sent me to a hardware store to buy random things for her, since she didn't trust her husband (for some odd reason). So I went to the store and picked up all of these things, and all of a sudden, out pops my friend Reza, from behind a counter. So Reza and I shopped around looking for the last thing on the list. A welder thing. And these three random guys came up to us, and I don't remember what was said or done, but whatever they were doing made Reza become really protective of me. And then we checked out, and as we were leaving the store, I got a call from my aunt. And as I was on the phone with her, my uncle randomly popped up out of nowhere, and started glaring at Reza until I got off the phone. "She wants us to go to Toe's and get an ax!", I told Reza. And so then my uncle gave Reza a 100 dollar bill and said "This is Celeste's (my aunt) money for her ax." And Reza took the money and wadded it up and yelled "We don't need her money!" and then my uncle grabbed his wrist and yelled back, "It's my money too! -glare-". Then Reza, shaking with terror, straightened the dollar out and said "Oh, okay, it's okay, thank you for the money, sir." And then I gave my uncle a hug, and kissed him on the cheek, and said thank you for the money. Then my uncle started to cry and he said "I'm so happy that you gave your heart to God, you've become so amazing."
Then I woke up.
I know scales are different and all.
But the thing is, I weigh heavier on the scale I'm going to be using from now on.
I don't really know what to do now.
But I think I'm going to wait, and weigh tomorrow morning on the old scale, and then on the new, and the find the difference, and if it's not too big of a difference, I'll just use the number on my new scale, since it's going to be the one I'll be using from now on.
--------
This juice I'm drinking gave me acid reflux again, and it's making it really hard for me to eat my plate of spinach. -sigh-
Also, I am running on only an hour of sleep. For some reason, I could not fall asleep last night. I would lie down, close my eyes, be still, and dream, but I wasn't asleep. I could still hear the music playing and everything. I just could not fall asleep for anything. But it I finally did, it was around 4:50am, and I had to get up at 5:50am to get ready for work. Yay early days.
So now, I'm tired, and in pain from my acid reflux.
-------
As far as counting goes;
Only 14 days left of television, internet, and my cell phone until March 1st.
I have not Self-Harmed in 88 days.
I have not had a soda in 17 days.
-------
When I finally went to sleep, I had a dream that my aunt sent me to a hardware store to buy random things for her, since she didn't trust her husband (for some odd reason). So I went to the store and picked up all of these things, and all of a sudden, out pops my friend Reza, from behind a counter. So Reza and I shopped around looking for the last thing on the list. A welder thing. And these three random guys came up to us, and I don't remember what was said or done, but whatever they were doing made Reza become really protective of me. And then we checked out, and as we were leaving the store, I got a call from my aunt. And as I was on the phone with her, my uncle randomly popped up out of nowhere, and started glaring at Reza until I got off the phone. "She wants us to go to Toe's and get an ax!", I told Reza. And so then my uncle gave Reza a 100 dollar bill and said "This is Celeste's (my aunt) money for her ax." And Reza took the money and wadded it up and yelled "We don't need her money!" and then my uncle grabbed his wrist and yelled back, "It's my money too! -glare-". Then Reza, shaking with terror, straightened the dollar out and said "Oh, okay, it's okay, thank you for the money, sir." And then I gave my uncle a hug, and kissed him on the cheek, and said thank you for the money. Then my uncle started to cry and he said "I'm so happy that you gave your heart to God, you've become so amazing."
Then I woke up.
Monday, January 16, 2012
16 days down.
2011 brought me a lot of happiness, but mostly sadness, misery, terror, shock, torture, and massive amounts of pain.
I can't remember all of the happy, positive things that happened in 2011 without thinking of the bad things.
I know that some happiness DID happen in 2011, but I can't remember what any of it really was. When I think of last year, I think of all the mental, emotional, and physical pain that occurred.
I know that the majority of thing bad things that happened was not my fault.
But there were a few things I could've kept from happening.
I can't keep focusing on the bad that happened, and how I could've stopped things, or how I could've kept things from even starting.
It's in the past now.
I forgave everyone, I forgave myself, and I've asked everyone for forgiveness.
____________
2012 is going to be different. And has been. It's been SO much better so far.
This year is going to God.
He's giving me this year, He deserves all the praise for it being so amazing so far.
I gave my life to Him January 1st, and so I'm going to live for Him, and only Him.
I strive to become closer to Him.
_______________
I am determined to make 2012 the greatest year of my life, and the first chapter of a new beginning.
I am currently working on getting into shape, becoming a healthy young adult, taking control over my life -mainly by giving it up to God, but also by choosing my friends very, very carefully-, and being more positive.
Started a new "diet" that I made up. It's really more of a new lifestyle. I thought back on the past and realized nothing I ever tried before ever worked. I'd keep weight off for a little while, then bring it right back up. I'd cut things out of my life, cold turkey, and I always found myself bringing them right back in. Nothing ever worked, because I was never doing anything correctly.
So this time, instead of starting off cutting everything out by saying to myself "I can't have this, this, this, this, or this." But rather what I did was just bring in everything healthy, and eating all that healthy food alone for the first few days, made me not crave anything unhealthy. But now, when I do have a random craving for like, cheesecake, or doughnuts, or something like that, I can feel less guilty about it than I would if I were forcing/depriving myself of those things. I didn't tell myself I couldn't have those things, I totally can. But since I got addicted and used to the fruits and vegetables, I've not been craving the chips, and the cakes, and the sodas. I did, however, challenge myself not to have a soda for the whole year. So, I can't have the soda, even if I crave it.
I have been doing things that are completely unexpected of me. Well, I mean, in the back of their minds, it's expected, because it's what they want. But I've been doing things without being asked or told. Becoming a better daughter and a better friend. And I'm not doing them with a bad spirit. I pray a little prayer before any job I undergo. I ask God to help me do the task without grumbling or complaining. I'm helping others while also building my character.
There is one main reason why I'm whipping myself into shape, and that is God. He gave this body to me, and He made it beautiful. And all I've been doing for 21 years is destroying it. In so many different ways. This came to my attention this year, also. I realized that this isn't my body, it doesn't belong to me. It's my Creator's. God made it for me. I'm wearing this body, yes, but it's not fully mine. It's like if someone let you borrow their hoodie, they gave it to you to wear. If you have respect for that person, you wouldn't do anything to their hoodie to ruin it.
I have one other reason why I'm working hard to lose weight and tone my body, but I can't tell anyone. It's a total secret. Well, two other people know. But besides them, it's a complete secret. I'm so excited!
The year is just getting better and better as it goes on. I pray it continues like this for the whole year.
I can't remember all of the happy, positive things that happened in 2011 without thinking of the bad things.
I know that some happiness DID happen in 2011, but I can't remember what any of it really was. When I think of last year, I think of all the mental, emotional, and physical pain that occurred.
I know that the majority of thing bad things that happened was not my fault.
But there were a few things I could've kept from happening.
I can't keep focusing on the bad that happened, and how I could've stopped things, or how I could've kept things from even starting.
It's in the past now.
I forgave everyone, I forgave myself, and I've asked everyone for forgiveness.
____________
2012 is going to be different. And has been. It's been SO much better so far.
This year is going to God.
He's giving me this year, He deserves all the praise for it being so amazing so far.
I gave my life to Him January 1st, and so I'm going to live for Him, and only Him.
I strive to become closer to Him.
_______________
I am determined to make 2012 the greatest year of my life, and the first chapter of a new beginning.
I am currently working on getting into shape, becoming a healthy young adult, taking control over my life -mainly by giving it up to God, but also by choosing my friends very, very carefully-, and being more positive.
Started a new "diet" that I made up. It's really more of a new lifestyle. I thought back on the past and realized nothing I ever tried before ever worked. I'd keep weight off for a little while, then bring it right back up. I'd cut things out of my life, cold turkey, and I always found myself bringing them right back in. Nothing ever worked, because I was never doing anything correctly.
So this time, instead of starting off cutting everything out by saying to myself "I can't have this, this, this, this, or this." But rather what I did was just bring in everything healthy, and eating all that healthy food alone for the first few days, made me not crave anything unhealthy. But now, when I do have a random craving for like, cheesecake, or doughnuts, or something like that, I can feel less guilty about it than I would if I were forcing/depriving myself of those things. I didn't tell myself I couldn't have those things, I totally can. But since I got addicted and used to the fruits and vegetables, I've not been craving the chips, and the cakes, and the sodas. I did, however, challenge myself not to have a soda for the whole year. So, I can't have the soda, even if I crave it.
I have been doing things that are completely unexpected of me. Well, I mean, in the back of their minds, it's expected, because it's what they want. But I've been doing things without being asked or told. Becoming a better daughter and a better friend. And I'm not doing them with a bad spirit. I pray a little prayer before any job I undergo. I ask God to help me do the task without grumbling or complaining. I'm helping others while also building my character.
There is one main reason why I'm whipping myself into shape, and that is God. He gave this body to me, and He made it beautiful. And all I've been doing for 21 years is destroying it. In so many different ways. This came to my attention this year, also. I realized that this isn't my body, it doesn't belong to me. It's my Creator's. God made it for me. I'm wearing this body, yes, but it's not fully mine. It's like if someone let you borrow their hoodie, they gave it to you to wear. If you have respect for that person, you wouldn't do anything to their hoodie to ruin it.
I have one other reason why I'm working hard to lose weight and tone my body, but I can't tell anyone. It's a total secret. Well, two other people know. But besides them, it's a complete secret. I'm so excited!
The year is just getting better and better as it goes on. I pray it continues like this for the whole year.
Well that was fast.
Turns out that I cannot do a full out juice diet. because of my acid reflux.
So, I've decided that my snacks are all going to be juices, and my meals are going to be either soup, or salad, or cereal, or, you know, anything full and healthy.
Right now, I'm chowing down on a wonderful salad, and some amazing stirfry.
If I didn't have such terrible acid reflux, everything would be easier.
But life isn't meant to be easy.
So, I will just have to try the same thing, but just in a different way.
I'm still going to do the liquid based fast,
But I am going to add an actual meal once or twice a day.
So, I've decided that my snacks are all going to be juices, and my meals are going to be either soup, or salad, or cereal, or, you know, anything full and healthy.
Right now, I'm chowing down on a wonderful salad, and some amazing stirfry.
If I didn't have such terrible acid reflux, everything would be easier.
But life isn't meant to be easy.
So, I will just have to try the same thing, but just in a different way.
I'm still going to do the liquid based fast,
But I am going to add an actual meal once or twice a day.
Quick update.
Instead of a strictly "Juice fast", I'm going to expand it to a "Liquid based fast".
So I'll be able to eat soup, drink water, tea, and of course my juices.
I thought about it last night, and realized I'd just be drinking for 5 days.
At least with the soup, I can get bits of chicken or something to munch.
And it's starting today.
I just had my morning Green Goodness, from Bolthouse Farms Juices.
http://bolthouse.com/our-products/beverages/smoothies/green-goodness/detail
Then I will drink water until I have another juice for a snack, soup for lunch, juice for snack, and probably more soup.
I know, it doesn't sound very filling.
But 8oz. of the juice IS filling.
So, today is the first day.
I'll let you know how I feel tonight, after a whole day of just liquid based fasting.
:)
So I'll be able to eat soup, drink water, tea, and of course my juices.
I thought about it last night, and realized I'd just be drinking for 5 days.
At least with the soup, I can get bits of chicken or something to munch.
And it's starting today.
I just had my morning Green Goodness, from Bolthouse Farms Juices.
http://bolthouse.com/our-products/beverages/smoothies/green-goodness/detail
Then I will drink water until I have another juice for a snack, soup for lunch, juice for snack, and probably more soup.
I know, it doesn't sound very filling.
But 8oz. of the juice IS filling.
So, today is the first day.
I'll let you know how I feel tonight, after a whole day of just liquid based fasting.
:)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Juice, Flabby Arms, and Chad Wesley Band
Starting tomorrow (Monday, January 16th, 2012), I'm going to be on a "Juice diet" for 5 days. Five days of just fruit and vegetable juice and smoothies, and water. It's still going to be healthy, because the juices I'm going to buy are Bolthouse Farms juices. Which are amazing. And I still have some fruit lying around I can blend.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juice_fasting
http://bolthouse.com/
It's just going to be for 5 days, Mon-Fri.
And I'm not going to do it again until March.
Only 5 days in a month, every other month.
I'll be back to actual food on Saturday 21st.
-----------------------------------------------
I did my body measurements last night.
And, as I said before, my goal is not to lose weight, but losing weight is just going to happen while on the journey of getting healthy. So, I'm going to keep up with my measurements, even though my goal is not to lose weight.
Of -January 14th, 2012-
Thigh: 29 inches
Waist: 36 1/2 inches
Stomach: 45 inches
Chest: 39 1/2 inches
Arm: 15 1/2 inches
Neck: 15 1/2 inches
Butt: 49 inches
Weight: 213 pounds
My neck and my flabby arm are the same width.
Is it supposed to be the same?
I don't know, you tell me.
-----------------------------------------------------
ALSO
Hopefully.
Hopefully I'll be doing a professional photoshoot for this band;
Their website: http://www.chadwesley.com/fr_media.cfm
Their facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/chadwesley
Chad Wesley is my cousin.
Somehow, I was told how before, but I've forgotten.
Anywho.
Chad is amazing, and his band is wonderful, and their music is fantastic.
I took pictures of his band once, at a festival we had in my town in 2011.
You can see here: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.292599614087161.90407.217446524935804&type=1
Hopefully, if that link works.
Chad and his band weren't expecting me to take their picture, and I wasn't really planning on doing it either, until I found out they were playing.
Well, turns out they LOVED my photos :p
So, they asked me to do a photoshoot with them, and actually get paid for it.
We planned for a shoot three different times already.
The first time, I got sick on the day I was supposed to meet them in Jackson.
The second time, they got a last minute booking for a show, and they picked the show over me. (No biggie)
So we're going to aim for this Saturday.
I'm still as nervous as the Yellow M&M.
Because I'm not sure what or how to do the shots.
Mainly because we're going to be doing the photoshoot in Jackson. I am not familiar with the Jackson area at all, so I can't even imagine what I'm going to do. I can never see if a picture is going to look good, unless I can see it through my lens.
So, it's a little nerve racking.
But I'm also really excited.
Because I haven't seen Chad since the festival, in September of 2011.
I love Chad.
He's cool.
ANYWAY.
I'm very excited about so many different things, I think I may explode.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juice_fasting
http://bolthouse.com/
It's just going to be for 5 days, Mon-Fri.
And I'm not going to do it again until March.
Only 5 days in a month, every other month.
I'll be back to actual food on Saturday 21st.
-----------------------------------------------
I did my body measurements last night.
And, as I said before, my goal is not to lose weight, but losing weight is just going to happen while on the journey of getting healthy. So, I'm going to keep up with my measurements, even though my goal is not to lose weight.
Of -January 14th, 2012-
Thigh: 29 inches
Waist: 36 1/2 inches
Stomach: 45 inches
Chest: 39 1/2 inches
Arm: 15 1/2 inches
Neck: 15 1/2 inches
Butt: 49 inches
Weight: 213 pounds
My neck and my flabby arm are the same width.
Is it supposed to be the same?
I don't know, you tell me.
-----------------------------------------------------
ALSO
Hopefully.
Hopefully I'll be doing a professional photoshoot for this band;
Their website: http://www.chadwesley.com/fr_media.cfm
Their facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/chadwesley
Chad Wesley is my cousin.
Somehow, I was told how before, but I've forgotten.
Anywho.
Chad is amazing, and his band is wonderful, and their music is fantastic.
I took pictures of his band once, at a festival we had in my town in 2011.
You can see here: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.292599614087161.90407.217446524935804&type=1
Hopefully, if that link works.
Chad and his band weren't expecting me to take their picture, and I wasn't really planning on doing it either, until I found out they were playing.
Well, turns out they LOVED my photos :p
So, they asked me to do a photoshoot with them, and actually get paid for it.
We planned for a shoot three different times already.
The first time, I got sick on the day I was supposed to meet them in Jackson.
The second time, they got a last minute booking for a show, and they picked the show over me. (No biggie)
So we're going to aim for this Saturday.
I'm still as nervous as the Yellow M&M.
Because I'm not sure what or how to do the shots.
Mainly because we're going to be doing the photoshoot in Jackson. I am not familiar with the Jackson area at all, so I can't even imagine what I'm going to do. I can never see if a picture is going to look good, unless I can see it through my lens.
So, it's a little nerve racking.
But I'm also really excited.
Because I haven't seen Chad since the festival, in September of 2011.
I love Chad.
He's cool.
ANYWAY.
I'm very excited about so many different things, I think I may explode.
"Jesus died for me."
This is from the fourth chapter of the book 'Witnessing 101' by Tim Baker. (You should really buy and read that book, I very highly recommend it.)
---------------------------------------------------
What we're after is a deep understanding of the gospel.
What it is, what it does, and why it's important. After all, when you're giving someone the gospel, what are you giving them? The truth! Here's the truth you're communicating:
First, the gospel is rooted in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. The word gospel literally means "good news". When you share the gospel, you're sharing the good news with them.
What's the good news? The good news is found in Scripture. There are two important places you need to go to really get the grip on the gospel. They're both in the gospel of John.
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.
---------------------------------------------------
What we're after is a deep understanding of the gospel.
What it is, what it does, and why it's important. After all, when you're giving someone the gospel, what are you giving them? The truth! Here's the truth you're communicating:
First, the gospel is rooted in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. The word gospel literally means "good news". When you share the gospel, you're sharing the good news with them.
What's the good news? The good news is found in Scripture. There are two important places you need to go to really get the grip on the gospel. They're both in the gospel of John.
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.
6 There was a man sent from God whose name was John. 7 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. 8 He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
9 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
(John 1:1-14)
You could read that passage all day and make endless lists of all the important ideas in it. But these verses clearly explain what the gospel is.
The Word was with God and the Word was God. The Word here (and you've got to go to the original language on this one - the Greek!) originally was logos. In this passage, the Word is referring to Jesus. So the passage can read "In the beginning was Jesus ... Jesus was with God, and Jesus was God." Cool, huh? Wait, it gets better.
The idea of word here carries an Old Testament meaning, too. The word of God in the Old Testament was a really special one. When Moses went up on a mountain and heard from God, he brought back important, life-giving words from God. Those words gathered people together. The Israelites would get together to hear from God. God's word was what brought people together.
John might be making a point here by calling Jesus the Word. He might be saying that Jesus was the great uniter. As He lived and walked the earth, Jesus brought more people into fellowship with God than could have been imagined.
The Word lived among us. Jesus (the Word) made His dwelling among us. Dwelling literally means "tented". In other words, God lived in heaven, saw how lost we were, and decided to leave His home in heaven and live - tent - among us. Amazing! So if the first chapter of John tells us what happened, the third chapter tells us why.
God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son so whoever believes in Him may not be lost, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Setting: Jesus is in a semi heated discussion during a well-known, well-respected conversation with a man named Nicodemus. Nicodemus was a Pharisee, so it was pretty amazing that he'd be talking with Jesus in the first place.
God loved. Imagine for a moment the most unconditional, pure, honest, nondysfunctional love there could possibly be. Got it? Good, that's God's love. How does the Bible describe it? When it speaks of God's love for you, it mostly uses the word agape. Agape love is unconditional. It's the kind of love that's not sexual, but it's more than friendship. So God loves you enough to do amazing, tough things for you. Read on through this verse; see what God did.
The world. The world came from somewhere. Scientists, philosophers, and theologians all agree that the world formed somehow. The problem is getting them all to agree how. The English word for world here is ineffective at conveying what John was saying. The actual word means "the entire cosmos", not just planet Earth - the entire universe.
He sent His Son. You've got to ask, "What does it mean that God sent His Son?" First, it means that the Son was willing to go. The Trinity is a weird thing to try and pick apart because the three people in it (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) are definitely one person. They are three different personalities of the Godhead. But the Bible describes these beings in very different ways. Second, it's important to note that the concept of God's love is clearly tied to His sending His Son to make a way for these mixed-up people to spend eternity with Him.
To die. to do, since we can look back in history) is that Jesus was sent to die.
Jesus wasn't put in an electric chair, and He wasn't drugged to death. He was killed in an extremely violent way. How? Here's a quick run down:
(John 1:1-14)
You could read that passage all day and make endless lists of all the important ideas in it. But these verses clearly explain what the gospel is.
The Word was with God and the Word was God. The Word here (and you've got to go to the original language on this one - the Greek!) originally was logos. In this passage, the Word is referring to Jesus. So the passage can read "In the beginning was Jesus ... Jesus was with God, and Jesus was God." Cool, huh? Wait, it gets better.
The idea of word here carries an Old Testament meaning, too. The word of God in the Old Testament was a really special one. When Moses went up on a mountain and heard from God, he brought back important, life-giving words from God. Those words gathered people together. The Israelites would get together to hear from God. God's word was what brought people together.
John might be making a point here by calling Jesus the Word. He might be saying that Jesus was the great uniter. As He lived and walked the earth, Jesus brought more people into fellowship with God than could have been imagined.
The Word lived among us. Jesus (the Word) made His dwelling among us. Dwelling literally means "tented". In other words, God lived in heaven, saw how lost we were, and decided to leave His home in heaven and live - tent - among us. Amazing! So if the first chapter of John tells us what happened, the third chapter tells us why.
God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son so whoever believes in Him may not be lost, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Setting: Jesus is in a semi heated discussion during a well-known, well-respected conversation with a man named Nicodemus. Nicodemus was a Pharisee, so it was pretty amazing that he'd be talking with Jesus in the first place.
God loved. Imagine for a moment the most unconditional, pure, honest, nondysfunctional love there could possibly be. Got it? Good, that's God's love. How does the Bible describe it? When it speaks of God's love for you, it mostly uses the word agape. Agape love is unconditional. It's the kind of love that's not sexual, but it's more than friendship. So God loves you enough to do amazing, tough things for you. Read on through this verse; see what God did.
The world. The world came from somewhere. Scientists, philosophers, and theologians all agree that the world formed somehow. The problem is getting them all to agree how. The English word for world here is ineffective at conveying what John was saying. The actual word means "the entire cosmos", not just planet Earth - the entire universe.
He sent His Son. You've got to ask, "What does it mean that God sent His Son?" First, it means that the Son was willing to go. The Trinity is a weird thing to try and pick apart because the three people in it (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) are definitely one person. They are three different personalities of the Godhead. But the Bible describes these beings in very different ways. Second, it's important to note that the concept of God's love is clearly tied to His sending His Son to make a way for these mixed-up people to spend eternity with Him.
To die. to do, since we can look back in history) is that Jesus was sent to die.
Jesus wasn't put in an electric chair, and He wasn't drugged to death. He was killed in an extremely violent way. How? Here's a quick run down:
-He was beaten. Several times Jesus was kicked, spit on, and hit.
-He was scourged. Jesus received thirty-nine hits with a leather whip embedded with animal teeth and bones. Each time Jesus was whipped, the whip ripped hunks of flesh, fat, and muscle off His body.
-He was robed and unrobed. This doesn't sound bad, right? Well, the process of putting a robe on Him and the ripping it off would reopen the wounds He had received from His scourging, causing more pain and more blood loss.
-He had nails driven through His wrists and feet. Okay, this is obvious. It had to hurt.
-He was nailed to a cross, hung upright. The pain of being nailed on the ground was bad, but when He was placed upright, the weight of His body pulling against the nails in His hands and feet would have been awful. More pain. More blood loss. His body rubbed against the cross, reopening the wounds on His back. His arms pulled His ribcage making breaking difficult.
-He had a spear driven through His side. Halfway through the crucifixion, a soldier drove a spear through Jesus' side, attempting to speed up Jesus' death.
When we say "Jesus died for me", it's almost like we forget the pain, agony, and sacrifice Jesus endured for us. But when you really break it apart, it's easy to see how much devotion went into it. Jesus didn't just meander up to a gas chamber, sit down, and drift off to heaven. Nope. His death was violent, humiliating, and extremely painful.
The truth of the gospel.
What does all of this boil down to? Simple: Jesus came to die for all humanity so the way to God could be open for anyone who believed in Jesus. Simple and complex. On one level, the gospel is easy to grasp. Jesus' death, opening the way to God is the ultimate awesome moment. And on another level, it's totally impossible to understand.
Want to discover how to grasp and live this truth? There's no better group to study than the first disciples. Looking at them will help us understand how we're supposed to live out the truth of the gospel. These men lived God's love in amazing ways. And understanding how they lived will push us to live out this awesome gospel.
-He was scourged. Jesus received thirty-nine hits with a leather whip embedded with animal teeth and bones. Each time Jesus was whipped, the whip ripped hunks of flesh, fat, and muscle off His body.
-He was robed and unrobed. This doesn't sound bad, right? Well, the process of putting a robe on Him and the ripping it off would reopen the wounds He had received from His scourging, causing more pain and more blood loss.
-He had nails driven through His wrists and feet. Okay, this is obvious. It had to hurt.
-He was nailed to a cross, hung upright. The pain of being nailed on the ground was bad, but when He was placed upright, the weight of His body pulling against the nails in His hands and feet would have been awful. More pain. More blood loss. His body rubbed against the cross, reopening the wounds on His back. His arms pulled His ribcage making breaking difficult.
-He had a spear driven through His side. Halfway through the crucifixion, a soldier drove a spear through Jesus' side, attempting to speed up Jesus' death.
When we say "Jesus died for me", it's almost like we forget the pain, agony, and sacrifice Jesus endured for us. But when you really break it apart, it's easy to see how much devotion went into it. Jesus didn't just meander up to a gas chamber, sit down, and drift off to heaven. Nope. His death was violent, humiliating, and extremely painful.
The truth of the gospel.
What does all of this boil down to? Simple: Jesus came to die for all humanity so the way to God could be open for anyone who believed in Jesus. Simple and complex. On one level, the gospel is easy to grasp. Jesus' death, opening the way to God is the ultimate awesome moment. And on another level, it's totally impossible to understand.
Want to discover how to grasp and live this truth? There's no better group to study than the first disciples. Looking at them will help us understand how we're supposed to live out the truth of the gospel. These men lived God's love in amazing ways. And understanding how they lived will push us to live out this awesome gospel.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I need your help, here.
I know how to lose weight.
I know how to get healthier.
Now if only I knew how to save my money right, so I will always have enough to buy more food when I run out.
That is what I need to work on now.
I get paid every other week.
If you have any suggestions.
I mean, I need advice on how to save money before I buy food.
Even though I need food.
So, I'm in a tough spot, yo.
See now, I only have $9 in cash, and $10 on my debit.
Not enough for a week of food.
Maybe two days of food.
But not 5 days.
If I can just get by until Friday, I'll be good. Because that's when I'll get paid. And for Friday, I'll make a list of foods to buy within budget, that will last two weeks.
Also, any suggestions on healthy foods that will last me two weeks that will cost me $60 at the max?
I know how to get healthier.
Now if only I knew how to save my money right, so I will always have enough to buy more food when I run out.
That is what I need to work on now.
I get paid every other week.
If you have any suggestions.
I mean, I need advice on how to save money before I buy food.
Even though I need food.
So, I'm in a tough spot, yo.
See now, I only have $9 in cash, and $10 on my debit.
Not enough for a week of food.
Maybe two days of food.
But not 5 days.
If I can just get by until Friday, I'll be good. Because that's when I'll get paid. And for Friday, I'll make a list of foods to buy within budget, that will last two weeks.
Also, any suggestions on healthy foods that will last me two weeks that will cost me $60 at the max?
Friday, January 13, 2012
My Testimony.
Growing up in a Christian home, I was always considered a Christian.
As I stated in my other post, I always just knew, I always just believed.
I believed because that's what I was taught.
If a child is constantly taught that a banana is the color blue, then as they grow up they will really believe that bananas are not yellow, they are blue. Even if the whole world is against him, he will still tell you that bananas are blue.
We all know that bananas are not blue. How? Well, we were all taught our colors at a very young age. Everybody knows a banana is pale yellow, because that's what our parents/teachers taught us. Correct?
Well my parents taught me that God made me and all things for His own glory. God is a Spirit and has not a body like man. God sent His Son to earth to become a perfect, sinless man, to pay the cost of sin through death. Jesus, God's Son, but also even God Himself, died on the cross for our sins. Jesus came back from the dead, three days after He was killed.
Now, I was taught that, and so I believed that.
But I guess I never really took any of that to heart, I never really thought hard about any of that.
I just knew it to all be true because that's what my mom and dad always said.
I was a typical child at church. You know, coloring to stay awake, or even falling asleep, during worship service. I never paid any attention to the preaching of the Word up until I was about 18. It was all just boring lectures, to me. It was a time for me to drift off and daydream for an hour. I never liked going to church, I always tried to get out of it. Faking sick a lot. The only fun part of church was youth group. When our youth group was large and awesome, at our first church. The church I grew up in.
And then I just slowly became this horrible, horrible person. Inwardly, and outwardly. Talking back to my parents, being hateful to my siblings, cheating on tests, lying about almost everything, stealing, gossiping, cursing, and just being all out mean and terrible. I wasn't a good Christian. In fact, the only reason anyone would even consider me a Christian, was because of who my parents were.
Around the time I was 17 or 18, I met this pretty amazing Christian couple. A man and his wife. And they really helped me more than they know, to become closer with God. For the amount of time that I was together with them, I wanted to go to church, I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to be in a relationship with Christ, I wanted to be forgiven, I wanted to be clean, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted all of these things. Because of this couple, I started paying attention in church, and learning, and taking notes so I could catch up with them and discuss things with them, and have them teach me. I loved it. I loved everything about that experience.
I was okay then. I was beginning to be okay. Until..
That couple had to move.
I said to myself, that it would be okay, I'll still work on my relationship with Christ, things will be fine.
Well, that didn't happen.
I started backsliding soon after they were gone.
I never picked up my Bible except on Sundays, I never prayed, or listened to a prayer, unless it was a short little "God, keep us safe on the way...". I started to go back to the person I was, mean, and disrespectful, and lazy, and cursing, and just all of these sinful things.
Up until just recently, and by "just recently", I literally mean just recently. As in, the very beginning of this year. And it's only the 13th of January. In 13 days, God has healed me, and forgiven me all of my sins, and has opened the eyes of my heart. I have never felt this way before. In my whole life. Where I don't "just know it's true because that's what I was taught.", I believe it all with my whole heart and I don't doubt a single bit of it.
I've started reading my Bible, and it really feels like the first time I've ever read it. Like, when I read, it feels like in my heart, that I'm reading/hearing these words for the first time. Like I was born again. And I'm new to all of this. And when I read, the words don't just sit on my tongue like they used to. They're going up to my mind, and then sinking down to my heart. All I want to do now, revolves around God. Not wanting to listen to any music that isn't categorized at Christian/Worship music. Not wanting to read anything that's not His Word or something based on it. And I've been praying, actual prayers. I have a Prayer Journal, because it's hard for me to talk a lot of the times. When I can't talk, I write. God knows what's in my heart before I do.
I never cared about my body. I actually always hated it. I was too fat, I wasn't good enough, I was ugly. I was. No one could tell me otherwise. So, I treated myself as such. I was a victim of Self-Harm from age 10 to age 21. I'm 21 now, yes, but I haven't Self-Harmed since October.And when I was younger, I didn't quite understand what I was doing. I realized just a few years ago, that I was Self-Harming without even realizing I was doing so. I just knew that I was feeling too much pain inside, that I couldn't manage, and when I got hurt, physically, it was much more manageable. I could fix that pain. I felt good when I fixed a pain, and made it better. The pain I felt on the outside had to be bigger than the pain I felt on the inside. It never was though. It never really helped.
It actually made it much worse.
I was trying to fix the pain myself, that only God could fix.
I wasn't allowing Him to heal me. Even though sometimes, I would just beg for relief, I would cry, and beg for a way out. A way to escape all of this pain and hurt I was feeling.
It never really ..clicked, until December 2012.
It's God.
I'm God's child.
I'm God's creation.
God is the only One that can give and take away.
He gave me this body, and this life for a purpose, a reason.
I'm not worthless.
He doesn't put anything in my life that I can't handle.
I thought "I can't take all of this, it's too much"
It's not too much.
It's just enough.
I was pushed far enough until I found Him.
I saw Him, I glanced in that direction, and then turned away.
And suddenly, Jesus came for me.
He found me.
And it's like He grabbed onto my shoulders, and physically turned me around.
I was walking on the wrong path my entire life, without really knowing it.
(Since I grew up in a Christian home and all.
I grew up in the church.)
He turned me around, and I saw the Light at the end of the path.
And it was like, I was finally alive.
My whole life, I wasn't even alive.
I was walking on the wrong path, completely dead.
I was dead and walking straight into more death.
God saved me.
One does not find God.
I thought I knew God.
I was like a blind man in an art gallery.
I knew beauty was right in front of me,because someone told me it was, but I, personally, couldn't see it.
I was dead, now I'm alive.
I was blind, now I see.
I am a walking miracle.
And no one would really know, without reading this.
Because I have always gone to church.
I have always been considered a Christian.
Out of all of the people ever created ever in all of the history of the whole world, there is absolutely no one that knows your heart. But guess what, God does.
God knows your thoughts before you think them.
He knows your words before you say them.
He knows what you're going to do before you do it.
He knows the exact number of strands on hair you have on your head.
He knows the exact number of tears you've ever cried.
He is the only one that can heal your pain.
He is the only one that can erase your sin, as if you were sinless.
God is all knowing.
God is all powerful.
God is all loving.
If you want true freedom, seek Jesus.
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the Living Water, and the Everlasting Salvation.
God is willing.
Are you?
As I stated in my other post, I always just knew, I always just believed.
I believed because that's what I was taught.
If a child is constantly taught that a banana is the color blue, then as they grow up they will really believe that bananas are not yellow, they are blue. Even if the whole world is against him, he will still tell you that bananas are blue.
We all know that bananas are not blue. How? Well, we were all taught our colors at a very young age. Everybody knows a banana is pale yellow, because that's what our parents/teachers taught us. Correct?
Well my parents taught me that God made me and all things for His own glory. God is a Spirit and has not a body like man. God sent His Son to earth to become a perfect, sinless man, to pay the cost of sin through death. Jesus, God's Son, but also even God Himself, died on the cross for our sins. Jesus came back from the dead, three days after He was killed.
Now, I was taught that, and so I believed that.
But I guess I never really took any of that to heart, I never really thought hard about any of that.
I just knew it to all be true because that's what my mom and dad always said.
I was a typical child at church. You know, coloring to stay awake, or even falling asleep, during worship service. I never paid any attention to the preaching of the Word up until I was about 18. It was all just boring lectures, to me. It was a time for me to drift off and daydream for an hour. I never liked going to church, I always tried to get out of it. Faking sick a lot. The only fun part of church was youth group. When our youth group was large and awesome, at our first church. The church I grew up in.
And then I just slowly became this horrible, horrible person. Inwardly, and outwardly. Talking back to my parents, being hateful to my siblings, cheating on tests, lying about almost everything, stealing, gossiping, cursing, and just being all out mean and terrible. I wasn't a good Christian. In fact, the only reason anyone would even consider me a Christian, was because of who my parents were.
Around the time I was 17 or 18, I met this pretty amazing Christian couple. A man and his wife. And they really helped me more than they know, to become closer with God. For the amount of time that I was together with them, I wanted to go to church, I wanted to learn about Jesus, I wanted to be in a relationship with Christ, I wanted to be forgiven, I wanted to be clean, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted all of these things. Because of this couple, I started paying attention in church, and learning, and taking notes so I could catch up with them and discuss things with them, and have them teach me. I loved it. I loved everything about that experience.
I was okay then. I was beginning to be okay. Until..
That couple had to move.
I said to myself, that it would be okay, I'll still work on my relationship with Christ, things will be fine.
Well, that didn't happen.
I started backsliding soon after they were gone.
I never picked up my Bible except on Sundays, I never prayed, or listened to a prayer, unless it was a short little "God, keep us safe on the way...". I started to go back to the person I was, mean, and disrespectful, and lazy, and cursing, and just all of these sinful things.
Up until just recently, and by "just recently", I literally mean just recently. As in, the very beginning of this year. And it's only the 13th of January. In 13 days, God has healed me, and forgiven me all of my sins, and has opened the eyes of my heart. I have never felt this way before. In my whole life. Where I don't "just know it's true because that's what I was taught.", I believe it all with my whole heart and I don't doubt a single bit of it.
I've started reading my Bible, and it really feels like the first time I've ever read it. Like, when I read, it feels like in my heart, that I'm reading/hearing these words for the first time. Like I was born again. And I'm new to all of this. And when I read, the words don't just sit on my tongue like they used to. They're going up to my mind, and then sinking down to my heart. All I want to do now, revolves around God. Not wanting to listen to any music that isn't categorized at Christian/Worship music. Not wanting to read anything that's not His Word or something based on it. And I've been praying, actual prayers. I have a Prayer Journal, because it's hard for me to talk a lot of the times. When I can't talk, I write. God knows what's in my heart before I do.
I never cared about my body. I actually always hated it. I was too fat, I wasn't good enough, I was ugly. I was. No one could tell me otherwise. So, I treated myself as such. I was a victim of Self-Harm from age 10 to age 21. I'm 21 now, yes, but I haven't Self-Harmed since October.And when I was younger, I didn't quite understand what I was doing. I realized just a few years ago, that I was Self-Harming without even realizing I was doing so. I just knew that I was feeling too much pain inside, that I couldn't manage, and when I got hurt, physically, it was much more manageable. I could fix that pain. I felt good when I fixed a pain, and made it better. The pain I felt on the outside had to be bigger than the pain I felt on the inside. It never was though. It never really helped.
It actually made it much worse.
I was trying to fix the pain myself, that only God could fix.
I wasn't allowing Him to heal me. Even though sometimes, I would just beg for relief, I would cry, and beg for a way out. A way to escape all of this pain and hurt I was feeling.
It never really ..clicked, until December 2012.
It's God.
I'm God's child.
I'm God's creation.
God is the only One that can give and take away.
He gave me this body, and this life for a purpose, a reason.
I'm not worthless.
He doesn't put anything in my life that I can't handle.
I thought "I can't take all of this, it's too much"
It's not too much.
It's just enough.
I was pushed far enough until I found Him.
I saw Him, I glanced in that direction, and then turned away.
And suddenly, Jesus came for me.
He found me.
And it's like He grabbed onto my shoulders, and physically turned me around.
I was walking on the wrong path my entire life, without really knowing it.
(Since I grew up in a Christian home and all.
I grew up in the church.)
He turned me around, and I saw the Light at the end of the path.
And it was like, I was finally alive.
My whole life, I wasn't even alive.
I was walking on the wrong path, completely dead.
I was dead and walking straight into more death.
God saved me.
One does not find God.
I thought I knew God.
I was like a blind man in an art gallery.
I knew beauty was right in front of me,because someone told me it was, but I, personally, couldn't see it.
I was dead, now I'm alive.
I was blind, now I see.
I am a walking miracle.
And no one would really know, without reading this.
Because I have always gone to church.
I have always been considered a Christian.
Out of all of the people ever created ever in all of the history of the whole world, there is absolutely no one that knows your heart. But guess what, God does.
God knows your thoughts before you think them.
He knows your words before you say them.
He knows what you're going to do before you do it.
He knows the exact number of strands on hair you have on your head.
He knows the exact number of tears you've ever cried.
He is the only one that can heal your pain.
He is the only one that can erase your sin, as if you were sinless.
God is all knowing.
God is all powerful.
God is all loving.
If you want true freedom, seek Jesus.
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the Living Water, and the Everlasting Salvation.
God is willing.
Are you?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Darn you Eve.
So I was feeling pretty good today, ate everything I was supposed to, and was just all optimistic like I've been since I've started this new lifestyle and all that jazz.
And then about 2:00pm or so, everything went down the potty. My darn you Eve happened, and it made me feel incredibly terrible. Didn't feel like eating or drinking or moving.
But I was craving cheesecake. Comfort food. Blasted.
So my mom went and bought me a white chocolate cherry cheesecake.
I ate the whole dirty thing in 20 minutes.
Now I feel worse.
My darn you Eve + full of cheesecake + feeling bad for eating so much bad = a whole lot of :(
So yeah. Enough of talking about cheesecake and darn you Eves.
________________________________________________________________
I didn't read my Bible chapters yesterday, so I read them this morning.
They were Matthew 24 and 25.
And today's passage is Matthew 26.
The Bible In A Year plan I'm on is the New Testament first and then the Old Testament.
This is it, if you want to catch up, and read along with me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also have a daily devotional book.
"My Utmost For His Highest"
This is today's devotional:
Have you ever been alone with God?
When they were alone, He explained all things to His disciples.
Mark 4:34
Our Solitude with Him. We can only be used by God after we allow Him to show us the deep, hidden areas of our character. Jesus will reveal to us everything we have held within ourselves before His grace began to work.
The only One who understands us is God. Whenever there is any element of pride or conceit remaining, Jesus can't teach us anything. Many things are shown to us, often without effect. But when God gets us alone over them, they will be clear.
And then about 2:00pm or so, everything went down the potty. My darn you Eve happened, and it made me feel incredibly terrible. Didn't feel like eating or drinking or moving.
But I was craving cheesecake. Comfort food. Blasted.
So my mom went and bought me a white chocolate cherry cheesecake.
I ate the whole dirty thing in 20 minutes.
Now I feel worse.
My darn you Eve + full of cheesecake + feeling bad for eating so much bad = a whole lot of :(
So yeah. Enough of talking about cheesecake and darn you Eves.
________________________________________________________________
I didn't read my Bible chapters yesterday, so I read them this morning.
They were Matthew 24 and 25.
And today's passage is Matthew 26.
The Bible In A Year plan I'm on is the New Testament first and then the Old Testament.
This is it, if you want to catch up, and read along with me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also have a daily devotional book.
"My Utmost For His Highest"
This is today's devotional:
Have you ever been alone with God?
When they were alone, He explained all things to His disciples.
Mark 4:34
Our Solitude with Him. We can only be used by God after we allow Him to show us the deep, hidden areas of our character. Jesus will reveal to us everything we have held within ourselves before His grace began to work.
The only One who understands us is God. Whenever there is any element of pride or conceit remaining, Jesus can't teach us anything. Many things are shown to us, often without effect. But when God gets us alone over them, they will be clear.
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