All I need is God, anyway.

Who I was when I was growing up, is not who I am now.
It's like my eyes were closed, like I was blind to the truth, all my life.
I realize now, and I know what I really want and need.

From a guy.

That's what I said.
A boyfriend? Husband?

See, I was never allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16.
I never got a boyfriend until I was 18.
And all of the boyfriends I've had after that were all long distance/internetical, except for two.
And I can say now, every single boyfriend I had were all me trying to fill a hole in my life. (I realized this year that could only be filled by Christ.) I never loved any of these boys. I thought I did. But now looking back, I can't remember all of their names, or how old I was when we dated, or how long we knew each other, or why I even liked them in the first place. Most of them I never even cried over. All but three cheated on me.

I never loved myself, so I needed someone to love me. I needed a boyfriend. I needed to feel beautiful enough. I needed to have someone tell me they love me.

I needed a boyfriend.
And it could have been anyone as long as they said "You're beautiful" and "I love you".


But now, it's completely different.

I now realize that none of those relationships ever worked out for one reason.
It wasn't because of them, it wasn't because of me.
It was that the Lord wanted me to learn how to be alone.
And that's what I'm doing now.
I'm learning to be alone, and to not "need a boyfriend".

Instead of just anyone who says "you're beautiful" and "I love you"
Here's what I want;

-A guy who is in a deep, intimate relationship with Christ.
-A guy who puts God first, others second, and himself last.
-A guy who treats everybody the way he would want to be treated.
-A guy who knows that his body is a gift from God, and takes care of it as such.
-A guy who considers work a privilege.

I pray that the Lord will send me a man like that, but if it not be His will for me to have a husband, I pray that He help me be content with being alone. All I need is God, anyway.