From my heart.

This issue has been around for many years.
And this is what I've got to say about it all.
Every thing I say here is from my heart.

Now I'm not the type of person or "Christian" to walk up to someone and beat them over the head with the Bible and tell them that what they're doing is wrong, or nasty, or gross, and that they're going to hell.
I've never done that, nor will I ever.
I am friends with a bunch of homosexuals, people who do drugs, people who drink, people who have premarital sex, people who curse like sailors, and people who straight up mock the Bible and straight up mock Christianity and pretty much tell me I'm an idiot for believing such silly things.
It hurts my heart, but I still love them, because they are my friends.

I'm not one to take away a person's rights - talking about homosexuals, here.
Now if someone murders another, I expect them to be jailed because of it.
I'm not for sure how I feel about the death penalty, though, because I do believe God will give them what they deserve.
If it weren't for Jesus, we'd all be getting what we deserve. Thank you, Lord for your mercy.

I'm not the type of person or "Christian" to go to Gay Parades and hold up signs saying that they're all going to hell. I'm not going to vote to take away their rights to get married. But I'm also not going to vote to allow them to have those rights. Since I do, personally, believe that homosexuality is wrong. I'm just not going to go either way. I believe that people are people. All people are equal. No matter gender, color, where they were born, accent. We all sin. We're all sinners, whether we admit it or not.

I know how it feels to be beaten over the head with the Bible, being told I'm going to hell for doing such a gross, horrible sin - Self Harm. They told me that the Bible says that my body is a temple and that by cutting, I'm destroying the temple, therefor I'm going to hell.

Okay.

Another thing people always debate about is church. So many people hate going to church.

I go to church with people who bear false witness, people to smoke, people who get drunk, people who curse, people who steal, people who cheat, people who lie, people who don't read the Bible every day, people who are proud, people who are somewhat prejudice, people who think they are better than others because of their wealth. These people can be found in every church around the world. Why? Because there are no perfect people in the world. There is only one person who is perfect and that is Jesus Christ. The church is not a museum for the good people, it is not a gathering place for the righteous. The church is a hospital for the broken, a shelter for the needy.

You need to watch some Jefferson Bethke on youtube.
Here's his Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/jeffersonbethkepage
And his youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/bball1989
And his website: http://jeffbethke.com/

Jeff got me to see so many things that I otherwise would have seen.
God uses Jeff to speak to me through youtube and facebook.
Jeff is my age. God is amazing.

Another person to listen to is Mark Hall, he's the lead singer of Casting Crowns.
Just youtube search CastingCrowns


I'll have more about these subjects later.
My mind is all scattered right now.

I lost hope.

I lost hope.
I got discouraged.
I was giving up.

I keep weighing myself, and weighing myself.
Even after changing my diet.
And eating a bunch of vegetables and fruit, and drinking more water.
And exercising more.
And I'm not losing any weight.
It frustrates me, and I end up saying "Screw it" and eat a bunch of junk food.

Then today, I bought a dress/top.
They didn't have one in the size I usually buy.
So I bought it how I found it.
One size below what I buy.
And it turns out that the size below what I normally buy, fits perfectly.

So maybe I'm not losing weight, but I'm losing inches.

And this gave me hope.
And now I want to continue this new diet.
Because I know that I am losing something, even if it's not the weight.
My goal weight may not happen.
But I am getting smaller.
So it's still okay.
:)

Self Image

*Not fishing for compliments or hosting a pity party. Just simply stating my feelings on the subject at hand.

I love who I am as a person, and I love my style.
But I still can't love my body or how I look.
No matter how many compliments I receive, I just don't believe them.
They make me smile, yes, but I honestly don't see what anyone else sees.

I'm starting to wonder if I have what anorexics have.
Where what they see in the mirror is not what is actually there.
It's something in the mind.
What they see when they look at their reflection is this overweight person,
when in reality, they're thin as a twig.

I must see something completely different than what everyone/most people see.
This hit me when a four year old, usually more honest than adults, disagreed that I looked fat.

I just cannot stand the way I look most days.
My face and my body.
I sometimes just want to break down and cry.

What I see from my point of view (without the use of reflective surfaces), I look good.
But when I take a full body shot or have someone else take my picture,
I just look disgusting and huge.
I tried to make my face more bearable by buying and using makeup.
But you have no idea how many times I have to wipe off and restart my makeup due to the
fact that it just doesn't look good.
I had to take off and redo my makeup four times, today alone.

Again, I'm not fishing for compliments or anything.
I wouldn't really believe you either way.
I don't believe I'm ugly, because I think ugliness is someones attitude and not appearance.
But I don't believe I'm beautiful either.
I mean, sometimes I'm cute - maybe pretty. But not gorgeous, or stunning, or sexy, or hot, or beautiful.
It's just not possible for me.
No matter what I try to do.
It's just not me.

I could very well have a beautiful personality, but I am not a beautiful person.
On the outside.
My siblings are amazingly beautiful, though.
All of them.
God just wanted me to have the great personality.
So people would look past my appearance.
But I can't look past it.
Especially since there are so many reflective surfaces and cameras and junk.

I'm just.. I don't know, discouraged.

Self image | Self love.

At first, I thought that it was a boy that boosted my confidence, that made me start caring about my body and how I looked.And then I saw this quote;

Confidence happens when you let it happen. No one gives it to you, which is great, because it also means they can’t take it from you. -Brooke Magnanti

And it made me realize it's been me all along. Because that boy is practically gone now, and I'm still working on my inner and outer beauty. I'm not doing it for him, or for anyone else. I'm doing it for myself.

It's so weird, ya know. I've never cared, I've never loved myself, or my body this much. I've always worried about my looks, but that wasn't a caring kind of worry. It was a "They're not going to like the way I look" kind of worry. And so I always tried to tell myself "It's your personality that counts" and so I never paid any attention and never worked on my appearance.

It took 12 years of self harm for me to wake up.

And, I gotta tell you, it feel amazing to be awake! I've just been dragging my feet through life, always wishing I was someone or somewhere else. But now I feel good to be where I am, and great to be myself.

I am beautiful, even though not everybody sees it (including myself).
I am strong.
I am awesome.
I am funny.
I am a caring, compassionate person.
I am considerate.
I am weird, but it's okay, because that's what makes me cool.
I am talented.
I am great at my job.
I am blessed.
I am good enough.
I am worth it.

I will, finally, be okay.
And I am excited for that!

Music = Love.

Imagine a guitar covered in dust.
When you strum it, dust will fly everywhere.
Now imagine a drum covered in dust.
When you hit it with a drumstick, dust flies.
Did you imagine it happening in slow motion?
I did.
Now listen to this -
When you strum a guitar or drum a drum, stuff flies off of it.
But it's not dust, oh no, it's something far better.
You see, music is love.
What do I mean by that?
Well, music and love are very much the same.
They are both understood by even small children,
people of every skin color, every culture, every gender, every mental state.
Every human knows what love is, and what music is.
Music speaks to even the deaf.
Even the deaf can feel the music.
Do you get that?
Music is more than just something you hear.
It's something you see, and feel, and sometimes even taste.
Music is love because everybody understands it.
No matter what language.
Music heals, music helps, music guides.
Music never leaves.
Even if all musical instruments were destroyed somehow,
we will still be able to make music.

You know what's powerful?
Being in a band.
Or being a musical artist.
If you make music for a living, or for fun,
you have the power to change the world.
People don't realize this.
But if you know what music is and what it does for and to people,
then you would understand this.
If you make music, you have the power to heal.
When you play your music, you must play with a love and a passion that
echoes off of your instrument and off of your voice.
Everyone who can hear your music, will feel your love.
And that is what everybody needs, right?

Every tiny note packs so much love.
And when all of these notes collide,
Something amazing happens.

You can't be so close-minded about the powerfulness and the magic that music possesses.
If you think that music can put you in a better mood, why can't you believe, if used properly,
music can make peace?
Even murderous scum enjoy music.
Even the worst sinners know how to feel and be loved.

People find comport in music.
Music speaks.
Love is there.
Love is music.
Music is love.
You are powerful.
Share the love.
Spread the music.

Just a few of my photos.

10 Random Facts

1. I spend too much money on things that don't last. (like food, or hair dye)
2. Oranges are my favorite fruit.
3. Spinach is my favorite vegetable (raw or creamed).
4. I'm a slob in my own house, but a neat freak in other people's house.
5. I've realized I can't eat in front of people.
6. I've realized I'm really shy and awkward around people I don't know/aren't used to being around.
7. Water and Arizona Green Tea are all I drink nowadays.
8. If I didn't have access to my phone or computer or tv, I could live without them. But since I'm able to just turn them on whenever I want, the temptation is too high to ignore.
9. Since I found out the Indie wasn't a music genre, I have been at a huge loss and confusion of what my favorite genre of music actually is.
10. I love me some Justin Bieber.