Self Image

*Not fishing for compliments or hosting a pity party. Just simply stating my feelings on the subject at hand.

I love who I am as a person, and I love my style.
But I still can't love my body or how I look.
No matter how many compliments I receive, I just don't believe them.
They make me smile, yes, but I honestly don't see what anyone else sees.

I'm starting to wonder if I have what anorexics have.
Where what they see in the mirror is not what is actually there.
It's something in the mind.
What they see when they look at their reflection is this overweight person,
when in reality, they're thin as a twig.

I must see something completely different than what everyone/most people see.
This hit me when a four year old, usually more honest than adults, disagreed that I looked fat.

I just cannot stand the way I look most days.
My face and my body.
I sometimes just want to break down and cry.

What I see from my point of view (without the use of reflective surfaces), I look good.
But when I take a full body shot or have someone else take my picture,
I just look disgusting and huge.
I tried to make my face more bearable by buying and using makeup.
But you have no idea how many times I have to wipe off and restart my makeup due to the
fact that it just doesn't look good.
I had to take off and redo my makeup four times, today alone.

Again, I'm not fishing for compliments or anything.
I wouldn't really believe you either way.
I don't believe I'm ugly, because I think ugliness is someones attitude and not appearance.
But I don't believe I'm beautiful either.
I mean, sometimes I'm cute - maybe pretty. But not gorgeous, or stunning, or sexy, or hot, or beautiful.
It's just not possible for me.
No matter what I try to do.
It's just not me.

I could very well have a beautiful personality, but I am not a beautiful person.
On the outside.
My siblings are amazingly beautiful, though.
All of them.
God just wanted me to have the great personality.
So people would look past my appearance.
But I can't look past it.
Especially since there are so many reflective surfaces and cameras and junk.

I'm just.. I don't know, discouraged.